Friday, 18 April 2014

How many versions of "me" are there?

Do you ever get the feeling that there is more than one version of you lurking within your body? Do you like one version of you more or less than any of the other versions?

Recently I've been pondering this and have realised that there are at least 4 distinct versions of me that come out to play at different times. (That there are so many distinct versions of me is probably a sign that I'm going a bit crazy but oh well - a little bit of craziness makes life interesting I think!). I've loosely defined the versions of me as "partner and mother me", "professional me", "social and recreational me" and finally a version of me that I've dubbed "the dragon lady".

Generally all the versions of me are just permutations of the same theme but with her own particular focus and strengths, they all get along well alongside each other and I can transition from one to the other fairly seamlessly or even better, pull aspects of each version out and utilise them as the situation requires. The one exception to that harmoniousness is the dragon lady and it's her that has me most intrigued at the moment.

Dragon lady tends to come out when I'm stressed or under pressure  She appears ultra rational, well spoken (or written as the situation requires), organised and assertive but she also has a tendency towards spitefulness, holding grudges and can rant and rave a bit. Usually she's ice cool on the outside but I know that just under the surface she's got steam pouring from her ears and is ready to breathe fire at the slightest provocation.

She's been coming out with increasing frequency and I know that without the dragon lady's help over the last year-and-a-bit I would probably be a blubbering, shaking mess in the corner by now, but even so I'm not sure that I really like her all that much. I certainly don't like feeling that spitefulness and I can hear myself getting ranty and I hate that - but darn is she good at getting others to see things her way and  getting things done!

A work colleague (someone who I had worked with previously and am now working with again after a break of a couple of years) recently commented to me that ever since she's known me it seems like I've always been talking about "going through a process of working on myself and making changes" and although I laughed it off at the time I've realised that she is right...I do always have something about me that I'm working on.. but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - it's not that I'm unhappy with my life but I think if you ever get to a point where you consider that there's nothing at all in your life or in your person that could be improved then you've settled for less than what you could have and you've reached a pretty boring and pointless place in your life - there would never be the drive to search, change, learn or grow.

So here's to embracing the good things about me, while constantly striving to make things better! And right now I  think working out how to make friends with the dragon lady and finding a way to utilise her strengths without letting the negative aspects of the dragon lady personality take over is a good thing to add to my personal improvement "to-do list".